Rant

The kids are driving me nuts today. And it's only 7:30. Between Michael's constantly wanting things he can't have or, perhaps more frustratingly, things we can't find ("Waaaah! I want Mr. Green Duck!!" What the hell is Mr. Green Duck?!?), and Caroline's newly acquired obstinate negativity on just about everything except, perhaps, watching television, I might just have to put them out on the street.

Really, I guess, my irritation with them stems from just a few things.

1. The are early risers. 6:00 on a weekend is just too goddamn early, I don't care what anyone says. But do they get up at 6:00 during the week? No, of course not. We're waking them up at 7:15 during the week. That discrepancy is a secondary source of annoyance. It would be better, I think, if they were consistent with the kickoff of the bickerfest.

2. They are loud. Whether they're playing or arguing, they always seem to be yelling, banging or thumping most of the time. This is especially galling at early hours (see point #1 above).

3. They are messy. Now I'm not the world's neatest person, but pound for pound, these children produce produce more little bits of paper than the Hammermill Paper company. Most of these end up on the floor or on the kitchen counters. And of course, since these represent the formative artistic endeavours of our cherished offspring, we can't simply throw them out. No matter how insignificant, these must be saved, framed or laminated, and put on diplay for all to admire. (Don't tell the kids, but I usually just toss them after a few days, unless they are really, really good. Those I toss after a few weeks.)

4. They are helpless. Yes, all children are dependent, but it's irksome when they come to me to solve problems that they could easily solve themselves. "I don't want to watch Johnny and the Sprites!" (do something else!) "I can't find bear!" (in your hand!) "I can't reach the box of napkins" (walk around the table!) "I can't find any black crayons!" (there must be 500 crayons in that box, odds are at least one of them is black, LOOK IN THERE!).

5. They are antagonistic. They've both developed a killer instinct for finding the one thing that will most annoy the other at any given time. The trouble is, the anoyee inevitably comes to me to resolve the issue and frankly, I don't really care that Michael's copying everything or that Caroline is teasing. You each give as good as you get, so go somewhere else and let me drink my coffee.

On the other hand, they do make me laugh sometimes. For example, yesterday, as we were leaving to go to the pantomime (more on this in another post), Michael began taking off his shoes, saying that he didn't want to take Caroline's marble with him; whereupon he produced a marble, two doll's purses and a seashell from his shoe.

OK, so maybe I won't turn them out just yet.