There, I've said it. If you've known me for more than 5 minutes, you're saying, "Well, of COURSE not!" I played a little racquetball with friends in college. I do a bit of walking, though I spend at least as much time in the pub afterwards as doing the actual walk, and the walk is really more of a leisurely stroll anyway. I went running once and made it up the street to a neighbor's house, where I spent the rest of the evening watching football and eating chips before walking home. Yes, despite brief flirtations with the sporting life, I remain firmly committed to the sofa.
You see, sports are hard. There's sweating, and sore muscles, and showering with other men afterwards. Shudder. And then there's the whole coordination thing, which still eludes me.
The kids got a Wii for Christmas. Santa really brought it, but the old sod spent our money to buy it. There are no games for the Wii that don't involve some degree of hand-eye coordination. They also require a generous amount of imagination to turn a 6-inch oblong bit of plastic into a golf club or a baseball bat, or some obscure piece of martial arts equipment.
I really have always failed to grasp the point of the Wii; it's unrealistic, involves a considerable outlay of cash, and doesn't serve drinks. It's a lot like Disney in this regard. However, the kids wanted one, and, since we weren't going back to the US for Christmas, old Saint Nick-Your-Wallet kindly obliged.
Since the weather was generally foul over the break, we spent a great deal of time playing the Wii. We bowled, shot ducks, played baseball. We actually had a lot of laughs with the kids, though the children tend to be better than I at most of these things.
The Wii comes with its own religion. The blurb for WiiConnect24, which is basically a marketing term for "we're going to connect to the Internet and download shit you don't want while you're asleep. Sweet dreams!" contains the following pious passage:
"WiiConnect24 delivers new content even while users are sleeping or not at home, presenting “new experiences that anyone can enjoy every day”, and laying the foundation for a lifestyle in which everyone in the family can relate to Wii on a daily basis."
'Laying the foundation for a lifestyle in which everyone in the family can relate to Wii on a daily basis.' Huh? I'm not sure which is more disturbing: 'relating to Wii on a daily basis' or referring to the thing as if it's a deity. Relating to your wife? Sure. Relating to Vishnu? OK, if that's your thing. Relating to Wii? Anh, maybe not so much.
One of the many sacrifices one can make at to Wii is the purchase of a gimcrack called the 'Wii Fit Plus Balance Board'. This is a spring-loaded bit of plastic which lays on the floor and politely informs you that you could stand to lose a stone or two.
Actually, it's not polite at all. When I step on it, it says "Ohhh". Sometimes I like to jump on it, you know, just to see if I can really hurt it. I can't, but the Balance Board retaliates by making my on-screen character appear overweight and sleepy. Actually, that's not far wrong.
In spite of our mutual dislike, I'm pleased to say that through this somewhat unpleasant houseguest I have found a game at which I truly excel. It's called Zensa, and is based on an ancient Zen exercise intended to focus the mind and train the student to ignore outside distractions. This modern adaptation, about which hundreds of generations of Zen masters are surely stirring in their urns, requires the player to sit on the Balance Board and be absolutely still for 3 minutes.
In spite of our mutual dislike, I'm pleased to say that through this somewhat unpleasant houseguest I have found a game at which I truly excel. It's called Zensa, and is based on an ancient Zen exercise intended to focus the mind and train the student to ignore outside distractions. This modern adaptation, about which hundreds of generations of Zen masters are surely stirring in their urns, requires the player to sit on the Balance Board and be absolutely still for 3 minutes.
At remaining completely motionless, I am a champion. If there's a Zenza event in the 2012 Olympics, I'll be well ready for it.
