A Vocabulary Lesson

I learned two new terms today. The first is "chav". Chav is a derogatory term for a person, typically young, who dresses in a jogging suit, large gold chains, Nike Shox and a Burberry tartan baseball hat. A chav typically listens to rap music and drives a cheap car with a purposely loud exhaust. A chav likes to start bar fights, get rowdy at football matches and is widely regarded as a drain on society and a general nuiscance.

The second term is "Croydon facelift". This is a hairstyle favored by female chavs in which the hair is worn pulled back into a tight ponytail, thereby creating the effect of a facelift. If you'd like to do more research on chavs or the Croydon facelift, you can look up either of those terms on Wikipedia (http://www.wikipedia.org/). Man, I love the Internet. How did we find out stuff before? Oh yeah - books.

Now how, you may ask, am I in posession of such apparently useless linguistinc facts? Well, being a 'glass is the wrong size' sort of person, I've been trying to discover our area's dark secret. You know, like the dog kennel next door, or the cathouse down the way. In the course of my investigation, conducted entirely via the Internet of course, I discovered that the Wibbas Down Inn (a name which, like the names of most pubs, sounds delightfully quaint and sylvan to our American ears), at the top of our road, is a chav hangout, especially on weekends. Not to worry, though, I'm told that you can't swing a dead cat in London without hitting a chav hangout, so it doesn't really indicate anything about the area. (I'm Still trying to find that pet cemetary or the local crematorium...)

The thing that really kills me about this, though, is the Burberry hat. I mean, sure, we have a chav equivalent here in the States, but typically they'll be found wearing Lakers hats or some such, or more likely shot for wearing their Lakers hats. But Burberry? Plaid? They'd be laughed out of the ghetto over here. In related news, a car company manufactured and sold a low-end model painted in Burberry tartan, called, wait for it, the Chavrolet. They stopped because Burberry threatened to sue them, but what a great concept. Wonder if they came with the extra high spoiler and the work 'Chavrolet' across the top of the front windshield in faux-Asian characters.

Burberry stopped making the tartan baseball cap because of its association with chav culture; but you'll be happy to know that there are still so many knock-offs that these guys have no problem getting their gear. However, if you wish to donate to my new Foundation for the Fashion Deprived Youth of the United Kingdom (or in Welsh, FFDYUK), please send cash directly to me.

Maybe instead of a lemonade stand in the summer, Caroline and Michael can sell bootleg Burberry in front of the house.