Bully

Here's something you might not know about me. As a child, I was teased. A lot. I was fat, and uncoordinated and bad at sports and not terribly sharp-witted when it came to retorts. "I know you are, but what am I?"

And so it is really terribly painful on many levels to see Caroline, who has never been anything but gentle and kind-hearted and loving, being targeted by a bully at school. We'd like to think that our daughters, at least at this age, would be immune from the sort of behavior that is generally exhibited by 12 year old boys, but sadly, they are not. Caroline's an easy mark; she cries at some of the most insignificant things. And I think it is because of this hypersensitivity that one of the girls in her class has decided to work out her aggression on Caroline.

Today, this girl, we'll call her Olive, told some of the other girls at lunch that she was going to "do something" to Caroline. And she did. Olive pushed her. Hard enough, evidently, that Caroline fell down. Caroline told us about this incident tonight.

I never had the nerve to tell my mother when I'd been given a hard time. I remember Billy Rinehart giving me a face full of dust and small rocks on the playground in kindergarten for no obvious reason other than because I happened to be there and he'd decided he didn't care for me all that much. I don't think I've ever told anyone about that. I've saved that particular painful memory to share with all of you. Feel free to squirm uncomfortably. Go on. I'll wait.

But this isn't about me. It's about my little girl. My flesh and blood. One of a very small number of people for whom I'd gladly give my own life to save hers. So what to do? The first instinct, of course, is to encourage Caroline to fight back. Hit Olive. Hard. But of course, this is like telling a man who's dying of thirst in a desert that he just needs some water. If Caroline had the means to fight back, she would have done so already. I think we need to find a more useful approach, or at least a more practical one.

We could talk to the teacher, I suppose, but I wonder what this would lead to. Anger management discussions with Olive, added stress for the separated parents, more bullying in retribution. Trouble is, I know Olive's father. We've met a few times at school functions. We're in the same line of work, so we trade shop stories and share our dreams of doing something more. He's a decent guy trying to raise his kid under trying circumstances, and not the sort of person you would feel unremorseful, maybe even privately gleeful, to bring down a peg or two.

Still, I can't stand by and let my daughter be victimized by his kid. Other strategies that Caroline might use, like walking away or telling the teacher, seem weak and ineffective, the sort of thing a parent might advise his child to do when he can't come up with anything better. Or doesn't care enough to.

The more I think about this, the more I think we need to step in here. I'm conscious of setting the precedent of fighting Caroline's battles for her, but there's a qualitative difference between the sorts of things she's complained about Olive having done in the past and this. Olive has no right to push Caroline or anyone else around, and Caroline needs to know that we're on her side. The last thing I want is for her to feel like she deserves bad treatment at the hands of anyone, because I think that attitude will do more damage than any amount of parental protectionism.

I'll let you know how it goes.