Normally, I avoid talking to people from banks if it is in any way convenient to do so. Today, though, I had a question that couldn't be answered by pressing numbers on the telephone keypad. Today, I actually needed to speak to someone in a branch office. You'd think a big outfit like my well-known multinational bank would have this sussed out. Hell, my little credit union back in the US sprays their contact numbers pretty much everywhere. Not so here, though.
Being put at risk in someone else's country brings with it its own set of challenges, not least of which, that of finding a way to remain in the country legally after one's employment expires. Obtaining a visa is a relatively straightforward affair. You either meet the requirements and you get the visa or you don't and you don't. Simple, or at least it would be, except that the Home Office is changing the requirements next month. Starting from 1 April, applicants need to have a Master's degree or better; I have a Bachelor's. This means that I need to get my application in before 1 April, and if I make any kind of misstep on the application, I won't get a second chance. The application is 70 pages long. That's a lot of opportunity for mis-stepping.
I've hired a lawyer to help me out. Really, I just wanted someone else to fill out the paperwork and to make sure that I get everything just right. And this getting everything right is, as often happens when lawyers get involved, where the wheels came off.
Applying for a visa involves paying a lot of money and going on a scavenger hunt. I needed my diploma (stashed away in a warehouse in Delaware, along with Rosebud and Jimmy Hoffa), copies of my last 12 months of payslips (easily obtained online, except that I don't have access to my company's systems anymore), copies of my bank statements for the last 12 months (I have 9 out of 12, what does that get me?). All of these hurdles finally cleared, I thought it would be smooth sailing, until my lawyer called today to tell me that I also need a bank statement that covers right up to the date I apply for the visa, which will be this coming Friday.
And so it was that I found myself today, shoes full of poo, attempting to patiently reason with some lackey deep in the bowels of my bank's call centre. Normally when you want a copy of a bank statement, you order it, they send it to you, it arrives a few days later. In this case, that's not adequate. I need to prove that, as of the day I apply, I have £2,399. This is the amount that the government deems necessary to support me and my family (not sure how anyone would live on this for any length of time, that much might get you a decent meal down the pub), and that I've had that for at least three months. So on the day that I apply for the visa, I have to get a bank statement that shows that, on that day, I had that much in my account.
I'm sure you understand the impossibility of this task. Even if the bank did happen to issue a statement on that day, I'd never get it on the same day. One might reasonably assume that if one went to a branch, one could obtain a statement. But then, one would not be dealing with my bank. At my bank, not only do they not publish the phone numbers for the branches, but customer service is wholly unable to communicate with anyone in a branch.
You will probably understand my frustration, therefore, at the below exchange:
Lackey: "I'm very sorry sir, but I cannot connect you to a branch office. We do not have their telephone numbers."
Me: "OK, then I'd like the name of the manager of the Canary Wharf branch."
Lackey: "I'm very sorry sir, but I cannot provide that information. We do not have that information."
Me: "I need a statement that includes all the activity up to the current date. Can I get that in the Canary Wharf branch?"
Lackey: "I'm very sorry, sir, but the branches cannot print statements, but I can request one for you."
Me: "But will that get to me on the same day?"
Lackey: "I'm very sorry sir, but I cannot guarantee that it will reach you on the same day."
Me: "But I need it on the same day or it's useless. Can I print a statement online and have the branch validate it?"
Lackey: "I'm very sorry sir, but I cannot say whether the branch can do that, you will need to speak to the branch."
Me: "HOW CAN I DO THAT IF I CAN'T CALL THE BRANCH?!?"
All call centres go to the same training course to deal with unhappy customers. As soon as you ask to speak to a manager, they pretend that they can't hear you and hang up. So tomorrow, I'm going to trek an hour across town to the branch in Canary Wharf and hope that they are marginally less incompetent than the people in the call centre. At least when I ask for a manager, they can't hang up.
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